Few would disagree that beer is the most male thing in the history of manliness. It has always been used as an organic balm/logic potion to quench thirst and help men frolic in its foamy ways. Now before we drink deeper into this piss-colored beverage of life, it’s important for us to understand that the mind is a sacred thing, and though sometimes our bodies are not the temples we make them out to be, I feel that human consciousness is something which is best left undefiled. ….and if you’re in college then you’re probably laughing your ass off right now. Okay *rolls up sleeves* They say that there’s a story behind every beer. So, pull up a chair, and park your carcass right there. Apart from being at the very top of the nutritional pyramid and the fact that beer naturally gravitates to all things that are equally pleasurable, the main reason why beer is so fucking awesome is that it’s got iron in it. Yeah, that’s right - Iron baby!
How much more masculine can it get?
Beer is made of iron! Okay, so 0.07 to 0.15 milligram per glass isn’t something to get ape shit about. But still, just taking a shower with it practically turns you into a cyborg, which automatically adds serious brownie points. Think about it, beer is the kind of drink the Terminator would drink. Iron is the stuff they put in batteries, which means that you come with extra benefits for the ladies, (including the fact that you shower of course, so you no longer smell like road-kill).
And you thought blueberry ale was weird?What, not enough? It’s even got gunpowder in it! (Well, some of them do, anyway!) Since the need to experiment with inedible sounding ingredients is even greater than before, nowadays Brewers are unveiling oddball concoctions stirred up from gunpowder and many other stomach-turning ingredients as well. So, I’m thinking, maybe gunpowder is made up of some kind of mineral. In that case, I’m so goddamn manly (and craggy) that I need to wash my insides with friggin gunpowder. That’s right, read it and weep. I'm pretty sure of the fact that just being in the same room with someone (me) who has just taken a shower with this stuff is enough to increase your testosterone levels, whether you’re a male, female, or genderless.
And let’s not forget…
Keeping in line with Eastern tradition, dudes are often fond of taking long leisurely baths…okay…okay….showers! While the elite choose to cover up their funk with expensive perfumes and what not, my uptight attitude towards good personal hygiene isn’t borne of keeping away germs or grime. The ritual of bathing is a holy one, and the time spent in a dude’s shower, (with or without a companion) is a spiritual one. It’s similar to a mini-vacation from the world of garments and restrictions. Just like digging back into the private residence of a warm, soft womb, having a beer in the shower is a retreat from an otherwise rough day. And after I have scrubbed myself from my toes to my ears and everything in between, (including my soul) the only manly thing in my loving lady friends is going to be me, oh yes, I'm looking at you, Mrs. Alison from science class, try ignoring me now!