These people need a Shakoolie. Some deserve it, some still need to earn their rite of passage, but hot damn they should all experience a beer in the shower. And that power lies in you - will you let it slip through your fingers like last year's softball championship? NO SIR - not you, because you are a god damn champion. And winners know "Hey, I might suck at softball, but I'm damn good at drinking beer!" And who taught you that winning attitude? Your old man of course. And even though dad thinks he knows everything, you hold trump card when it comes to shower beers, and here's why your dad (and others) deserve a Shakoolie:
He mows the lawn; he cleans the gutters; he changes the oil. In the winter, he gets up before everyone else in the house and shovels the driveway so you can go to school. The man works hard so you can sit around on your duff, eating mac and chee watching rerun episodes of Workaholics. Who is more deserving of a shower beer than him? Invite him to kick off the brown loafers, peel off his black socks, brush the grass clippings from his oddly-short shorts, and pop open a cold brew while he relaxes in a warm shower. Ahh, the joys of fatherhood.
2. Your roommate
He always pays rent on time, and he brings home pizza when he knows you’ve had a bad day at work. He’s the first roommate you’ve had who’s not a sociopath or codependent, and who hasn’t tried to kill your dog or eaten all of your food. He’s cool with you bringing girls into the house, and he doesn’t make your living room into the Playboy Mansion. If you get him a Shakoolie, he’ll be impressed with your thoughtfulness (and you can use it when he’s not there).
3. Your little brother or sister
Let’s face it, you’re a role model whether you want to be or not. Your younger sibling looks up to you. He wants to dress and act like you, or she wants to date a guy who’s cool just like you—but not who looks like you, that would just be weird. You have a responsibility to teach the youths of today to become the leaders of tomorrow. Leadership requires attention to work and leisure, and the shower beer is the ultimate in leisure activities. Your mentorship has begun: the Shakoolie awaits.
4. Your girlfriend
She is there to support you and keep you satisfied, and you should show your appreciation with relaxation. Forget the massage or mani-pedi spa day; your girl is different, right? What’s more relaxing than the pre-game shower beer? Or the post-coital shower beer? The after work shower beer? Maybe the after dinner shower beer? The best part about giving your girlfriend a Shakoolie is that it pays in dividends. First, if she lives with you, you get to use it (see roommate). Second, if she doesn’t live with you, you need a Shakoolie at her place anyway. Third—and best of all—it gives you an excuse to offer to take a shower with her! Must I go on?
Ha, wow, what a buzzkill, right? Think about it, however. Grandma is the ultimate woman who deserves a shower beer. She raised the people who raised you. She probably has never experienced a shower beer in her life (who knows, maybe your grandma invented the shower beer?). She has definitely never experienced it with a Shakoolie, the ultimate in shower beer safety. Now, all “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” worries aside, Grandma is seriously old. She needs to have fun, within limits. You don’t want her hurting herself retrieving beer that’s fallen off the tub ledge? With Shakoolie, she can safely drink her shower beer and start her drinking with her morning shower. If you were old, retired, and living in a community in Florida, wouldn’t you drink beer all day? Drinking from the shower to sleep, that’s all it would be for me. Just make sure Grandma has her Jitterbug phone with her so she can call you when she gets pulled over in her golf cart after canasta.