It began with the forging of the great beers. Three were given to the Seniors, wisest and oldest of all beings. Seven to the College-Lords, great drinkers and partygoers of the frat halls; and nine, nine beers were gifted to the race of freshmen, who above all else desire power. For within these beers was bound the ultimate liquid and the ingredients to govern each race. But they were all of them deceived, for another beer was made.
Deep in the colleges of Mordor, in the dormitory of College Doom, the Party Lord Sauron created a master beer, and into this beer, he poured his favorite flavors, his intoxication and his will to dominate all college life…One beer to rule them all.
Ever arranged a party? If not, we want you to know that it’s not easy. With a variety of beer available, choosing the right beer can be, well, tough. Fortunately, we’re going to make it easy for you. Grab a 6-pack of beer and read on because we’re going to show you how to choose the right beer and become the Lord of the Parties.
1 - How much do you have on you?
Did someone tell you to not be stingy and not waste money on beer? Tell them to go back to drinking milk! When it comes to beer, money is never an issue! Can I get an amen? But dude, that doesn’t mean you throw you savings down the line - not cool. Remember, you want to be Lord of the Parties, not Lord of the party, so save your money when you can. Once you have counted your money, ask yourself whether you can buy an almighty keg or a few measly 6-packs. If you have enough silver coins to buy a keg ($60+ for a decent keg), go for it - your fellowship will thank you for it. If you have $20 or so, buy 5 or 6 6-packs and you’re golden!
2 - Tis what Season to Drink Beer?Before you pick up a few kegs, ask yourself, what season is it?
- Tis the season to be merry?
- Tis the season to be green?
- Tis the season to get drunk? Can I get a YEAAAAHH?
If it’s Christmas, be merry and choose Christmas beers. You can find them easily and they will probably be on sale everywhere. If it’s St. Patrick’s day, grab a few Irish beers or grab a keg and make your own “green beer” with blue food dye. There’s definitely going to be a pot of gold on the end of that rainbow! Confused? Let me make it clear. Choose a beer that is in season and you’re golden! You will always get more bang for your buck.
3 - Think about the DrinkersIf middle earth (your home) is about to become party central, who are the fellowship? The first thing you need to do is think about who the cheapskates that are going to drink your beer will be. Ask yourself:
- Are they hobbits who are worth a bit more moolah?
- Is it a huge party where you invite the entire kingdom of men?
- Do the cheapskates love local beer or the imported kind?
- Do they like pale ales, whites or darks?
- Does my fellowship drink likes the dwarves of old or the elves of some freaky forest?
Every single question tells you about what beer you should buy for your fellowship. Since half of you may not understand, here is an example. My fellowship has 9 hobbits who just want glorious beer - any kind. If so, I may choose cheap pale ale that will work wonders to get them drunk like they were still in the shire. If my fellowship “accidently” invited the entire kingdom of men, you’re going to need a keg or 2. I know, Hobbits, right?
These 3 questions are very important. Not only because we said so but because they can either make or break a party. Imagine ordering a keg of local ale for dwarves who pretend to be elves who love imported beer. It’s not a party that’s going to end well. Keep these 3 questions in mind and you will be able to lead your fellowship into glorious parties and become the Lord of the Parties. If you have ever hosted parties before, grab a beer and let us know how it went, what made you choose the beer you had and let us know what beer vanished before morning.