(Disclaimer: In no way do I know actual Irish slang - but I do have the internets!)
Did ya know St. Paddy’s falls on a Monday this year?
Sure, every few years it falls on a weekend, but c'mon - MONDAY? Who royally pissed off the beer gods this year (I swear it wasn't us)?
Hopefully you've scheduled PTO, forewarned all innocent neighbors, and solidified that your sister gets your dog (ya know, in case you don't make it back).
Fair play! Now we're suckin' diesel, and ya ought to be, because the onslaught of car bombs and shenanigans about to go down would have any Irishman sloshed in no time!
But no worries, we got ya covered. Here's 5 quick tips to surviving Saint Paddy's Day:
1. Kick the Hooley Off Early
You're going on a bloody tear of a party, so don’t mess this up fella. You need practice. Warm-ups if you will. You think a football player steps on the field without stretching? (and no, we're not talking American throwball)
Start by pissing up Friday and Saturday, and then carb-loading on Sunday. The extra drinking practice you get in this weekend will ensure you're prepared for St. Paddy's Day celebrations. Kegs and eggs roll around early on a Monday mates!
2. Drink Like an Irishman
Invest in some Irish Whiskey and a good flask. Once you're swimming in a sea of people dressed in green and ossified by 10 am - one tends to lose their bearings. And if ya get lost early then pulling shorts off the flask will fuel your fire to fight the crowds like a true Irishman.
Well also, it's whiskey - so ya know, why not?
3. Embrace the Luck of the Leprechaun
Go ahead, drape yourself in green and gold. Embrace your inner leprechaun. Hell, multiple jars of black stuff might have ya as full as a Catholic School and believing you're a leprechaun yourself. And leprechauns always go for the gold. You are going for the gold this St. Paddy's Day, aren't cha?
4. Always Go Full Potato
It's no secret the Irish love their potatoes, it was a staple during the Great Famine. And there's no reason for you to not carb-up on St. Paddy's Day. You need a good base to soak up the scoops. And eat early, otherwise you'll be in a bit of hames later that evening. Nobody needs a polluted friend drunkenly counting down the bottles of beer on the wall by noon.
5. Remember: A Sound Man is Yer Only Man
You need a good reliable chap. An honest mate. We're talking the freckin' buddy system here people!
There's going to be hundreds of green beer enthusiasts with partying on the mind. It's a mess. That's why you need a friend to look out for ya. To make sure you don't wonder off the beaten path and start causing a muck or getting lost. Last thing you need is to not show up to work on Tuesday because you fell in a back alley dumpster.
Also, don’t end up at the same bar as your boss later that night. No amount of green beer will get your job back, homie...